Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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