Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
where are my eyebrows?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
