If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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