i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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