I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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