I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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