And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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