My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
