Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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