I want to make a zoo with you.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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