In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
