He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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