DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize