You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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