oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
