yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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