omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
