ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
