Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize