so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
