I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
