Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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