We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
