he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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