Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
