i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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