Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
