At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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