its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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