just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
try to milk me bitch
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