he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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