Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
