Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
