ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
