I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize