wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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