You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
