I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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