meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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