When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
