You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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