it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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