I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Randomize
