You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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