is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
