I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Randomize
