I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
