Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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