I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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