well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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