my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
