I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
this hospital has no fireball
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize