you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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