you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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