I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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