I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
