what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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