U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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