my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
