You can't motorboat a personality
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
