Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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