DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
