Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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