If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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