I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It was confusing and full of hummus
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
