if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize