The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
